


Train Your Heart Like a Dog

by incorrectcaptions



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Jen is on the job, Judy is part of the system that failed her, Steve is still an Asshole, Ted is still dead, accept it or change it or leave it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:53:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25828492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incorrectcaptions/pseuds/incorrectcaptions
Summary: AU where Jen is a detective who recently lost her husband in the line of duty. Judy is a social worker who happens to be at the precinct when Jen has a slight meltdown at work. Judy steps in to de-escalate the situation, which she later realizes was a lot more dire than she originally thought. Jen, meanwhile, is wondering why some pocket-sized social worker gives a fuck about her.ORJust two ladies trying to do for themselves so they can do for others.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 13
Kudos: 64





	1. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid.

**Author's Note:**

> So ... I wanted to do an AU with less pain/guilt and I somehow just ended up with one that has different pain/guilt. And I wanted think about what it would look like for Judy to start being nicer to herself and addressing her childhood. I'm a big ole pisces baby and at the end of the day just want everyone to be okay. Even fictional characters who don't realize they're in love with each other. 
> 
> I'm a huge reader, but I don't really write. I would appreciate any comments/constructive criticism. I'm sure there are some tense issues floating around, but I care more about the characters and the story. Oops? I'm a psych major so sorry if it starts sounding like it.
> 
> Title and chapter headings from Marty McConnell.

_Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone._

\--

Judy had noticed her. Anyone with eyes would notice Detective Harding. She was gorgeous - long-legged and blonde with a cute little nose, a smattering of freckles across her chest - Judy could keep going. She’s always had a type and she’s always had an eye for details. The detective also had an aura of danger that Judy was interested in exploring. However, Judy was always in and out of the station depending on her cases and she had never actually spoken to Detective Harding. Not until the day it happened.

\--

Judy had been talking to Detective Perez (she had been trying to call her Ana for years, but the detective was having none of it) about a kid they had picked up. He had been caught vandalizing the side of a store, but Detective Perez hasn’t been able to locate his guardians. Judy had just returned from speaking with the boy, whose name was Jordan. 

“He ran away from his foster home a few weeks ago,” Judy tells Perez. “He said some of the older kids were picking on him and he just decided to leave.”

“Unbelievable,” Perez comments. “His foster parents didn’t even report him missing.”

“Poor kid,” Judy says and shrugs sympathetically. 

When she decided to become a social worker several years ago, she never had the naivete that a lot of social workers have in the earlier part of their career. She knows what it’s like to be let down by the system because she grew up in it. She knows that most people who work in the system and take in these kids are doing their best, but she also knows that some people are not. At the end of the day, Judy is just trying to make a difference and do for other children what was never done for her. 

It took Judy a long time to even start dealing with her childhood and realize her need to be so loved by others was because she never felt loved as a child. When she was in her mid-thirties, she started going to therapy, and eventually, she decided part of her healing would be to find a job where she could protect children. Now in her early forties, Judy is doing better than she has in a long time. She has a job she loves, she’s financially stable, and she has gotten a lot better at not latching onto just anyone who gives her a scrap of attention. She’s more protective of herself and who she lets into her life. It’s not perfect, but Judy isn’t looking for perfection. She is just trying to do the best she can as she considers herself a work in progress. 

“What can we do for him?” Perez asks, shaking Judy out of her reverie. “We can’t just keep him here indefinitely.”

“I already spoke with his previous foster family. They said they would take him again,” Judy responds. 

Perez frowns. Or frowns more than she usually is frowning. “Why did he leave that family?”

Judy looks down and flips through the kid’s file. “They had to leave the country suddenly due to a family emergency.”

Perez nods, seemingly satisfied. “Thanks for coming so quickly. I didn’t want him to sit here all weekend.”

“Of course.” Judy smiles. “Are you an Aries by any chance? You do have an Aries vibe. Have you ever had your chart --”

“Goodnight, Ms. Hale,” Perez interrupts.

“Actually, I’m going to wait here until Jordan is picked up,” Judy says. 

“If that’s how you wanna spend Friday afternoon.”

Judy smiles at the other woman and is encouraged when Detective Perez gives her a small smile in return.

“Would you mind waiting away from my desk?” Perez asks.

Judy stands up immediately. “Oh, sure. Let me just get my things. I’ll go wait out front so -”

There is suddenly a sound of breaking glass and someone yelling. Judy can’t see much besides all the cops hurrying towards the chief’s office and the broken glass that was now all over the floor.

“Stay here,” Perez instructs before running off to join her colleagues.

Judy means to stay, she really does, but then she hears the woman yelling once again. The woman sounds so angry that Judy’s stomach feels like it’s twisting up. She must be in a lot of pain. Judy immediately worries that the cops will turn this into an even more dangerous situation when the woman is just upset. 

Judy’s gut is telling her to go help this woman and she’s a big believer in intuition. So she ignores what Perez told her and hurries towards the commotion.

\--

There are times when being tiny is an advantage for Judy and she manages to work her way to the front of the small group of onlookers without anyone seemingly noticing. From what she can gather, it looks like Detective Harding threw a small filing cabinet through the glass wall of her chief’s office. Judy doesn’t know much about the chief, but she has heard rumors and none of them are flattering. 

“What’s going on?” Judy asks Perez. 

Perez sighs as if she knew Judy wouldn’t listen to her about staying away. “Detective Harding happened.”

Judy gives her an ‘obviously’ expression. “Why is everyone just standing around? Shouldn’t someone go in there?” 

“Detective Harding has been a little unpredictable lately,” Perez informs her. 

Judy glanced from Perez to the detective in question. “Besides the cabinet throwing?”

“Yup,” Perez agrees. “And she’s armed.”

Judy looks at Detective Harding and tries to figure out where she’s keeping her weapon hidden amongst the tight jeans, green blazer, and black blouse. After running her eyes up and down the other woman twice, Judy stops because she’s no longer thinking of a gun and her face is getting hot.

The chief is sitting at her desk and Detective Harding is standing in front of her with balled fists and a furious expression. She wants to go approach the detective but she decides to wait a moment to try and understand what is happening.

“Don’t you dare talk about my fucking kids like that,” the detective snaps at the other woman.

“Detective -” the chief tries to interrupt.

“To even insinuate that is disgusting,” Detective Harding adds.

“This certainly wasn’t the best place to address it,” the chief admits, indicating the shattered glass. “But they are my grandchildren and I am concerned with your behavior.”

“You’ve never liked me,” Detective Harding replies. “And I didn’t give a shit because my self-confidence isn’t tied up in the type of person who thinks they’re the victim when someone else has died.”

“This has nothing to do with my opinion of you,” the chief says. “He was my only son.”

“And he was my only husband,” Detective Harding shouts. “And fuck you because I’m a great mother to those boys.”

Judy had no idea that the chief was Detective Harding’s mother-in-law. And she was of course familiar with what happened to the detective’s husband. It was such a big local news story that it was hard to avoid. She walks into the chief’s office before she even realizes what she’s doing.

The blonde woman looks at her as if she’s out of her mind. Judy isn’t phased as she gets this look a lot. “You wanna go across the street and get some tea?”

The detective wrinkles her nose. “Who the fuck are you?”

Judy gives her a wide smile and offers her hand to the other woman. “I’m Judy.”

Detective Harding scowls at her proffered hand.

“Coffee?” Judy tries again and drops her hand. “Or whatever you’d like.”

“Stop trying to placate me like this is some hostage standoff,” Jen snaps. “I’m fine.”

“I’m just trying to be nice.” Judy smiles. “I had seen you around and thought -”

“What? That we could go have some tea and braid each other’s hair?”

Judy shrugged. “I’ve always liked having my hair braided --”

“What the holy fuck?”

Judy thinks a moment before responding. She doesn’t want to make the situation any worse and Detective Harding doesn’t seem like she’s feeling very patient. She tries to be sympathetic. “I understand why you’re upset -”

Jen looks her dead in the eye. “What the fuck do you understand?”

“I know grief doesn’t always make people sad,” Judy tells her. “And it never makes sense. Not even to the person grieving.”

The detective swallows and blinks a few times. 

“Cigarette?” Judy asks. She cups her hand around her mouth so the chief can’t see. “Weed?” Judy swears she hears the other woman laugh, but it’s so quiet she’s not sure. She decides to run with it and adds in a sing-song voice, “Ketamine?”

Detective Harding exhales and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Fine. Whatever gets me the hell out of here.”

Judy indicates for the other woman to go ahead of her and waits until the detective is out of earshot to turn back to the chief. 

She shrugs. “Sorry, I just wanted to help.”

“What are you doing?” the chief asks. “This is police business.”

Judy frowns at her tone. “More than anyone else was doing. And if that's how the police handle their business then I’m slightly concerned about the state of local law enforcement.”

“What's in it for you?” the chief clarifies. 

Judy feels angry on Detective Harding’s behalf and she rarely lets herself get angry. “I don’t help people to get something out of it.”

“Hmm. How quaint.” The chief gets up and walks over to Judy, giving her a once over before taking a closer look at the damage done by the cabinet. “This is the type of thing Detective Harding does when you try to be helpful.”

“You were being helpful?” Judy asks, uncharacteristically speaking up. "You weren’t even listening to her from what I saw. And that was all she needed.”

Judy leaves before the other woman can reply. She stops to see if Perez can wait with Jordan.

"Looks like your Friday is looking up?" Perez jokes.

Judy isn't used to Perez joking and it's kinda off putting. "It's not like that."

"Harding has been through a lot," Perez informs Judy without looking away from her computer screen. "Be nice to her."

Judy scoffs. "I'm nice to everyone!"

"True," Perez admits. "But please be careful all the same."

She's not sure what Perez means and doesn't have the time to figure it out. She picks up her things and heads outside to find Detective Harding.

\-- 

Judy catches up with her outside the front of the police station. The detective had removed her blazer at some point. Judy sees the gun and badge on her right hip and is shocked to feel a sudden throb between her legs. It’s been longer than Judy would like to admit since she’s had sex and she feels a little guilty since the detective needs to talk to someone and not be ogled. Judy tried to put her attraction aside, knowing it was just a natural thing and what mattered was how she reacted to it. She approached the other woman, making sure to give her a wide berth. 

Judy smiles. “What’s your poison, Detective?”

“Coffee’s fine,” she replies. “None of that hippie shit, though.”

“So I guess the cannabis-infused coffee is a no?”

“Correct,” the blonde responds and puts on her sunglasses. “You kinda have that vibe.”

Judy glances down at herself. “I am at one with the universe if that’s what you mean.”

“The universe is fucked up,” the other woman says. 

Judy chuckles. “I’ve accepted that a long time ago, Detective.”

She shrugs, but turns to look at Judy for the first time since they came outside. “It’s Jen. I’m not much of a detective lately.”

“Aww.” She tries to pat the other woman’s upper arm, but she flinches. 

“Not really into being touched,” Jen admits.

“Okay.” Judy nods. “Let’s get out of here, Jen.”

Jen pushes herself off the wall she was leaning against and follows Judy away from the precinct.


	2. All Stories are Love Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judy attempts to navigate her old patterns and Jen's anger. There is an oatmeal cookie and a Freud joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christina Applegate's tattoos are clearly visible in my version of Dead to Me because yum yum.
> 
> Thank you everyone for being so welcoming of the first chapter! Updates will be semi-regular as I'm kind of a ball of nerves, but I'm trying.

Jen suggests a place near the precinct and Judy agrees. She thinks the walk will help Jen work off some of her frustration with her mother-in-law. 

“I don’t really have ketamine,” Judy admits. 

“I figured.”

“I just -” Judy upturns her hands. “I didn’t want to cause any problems, you know, just in case -”

“I knew you were lying,” Jen tells her. “Cop thing.”

“Oh.” Judy nibbles on her thumb as they wait to cross the street. “You always know when someone is lying?”

Jen turns just enough to look at Judy. “Most of the time it’s pretty fucking obvious. People have tells.”

“What are my tells?” Judy asks. 

“I mean, we haven’t really talked much …” Jen seems to consider her for a moment. “I’d say your face or your busy hands.”

Judy feels a little exposed that she has hardly spoken to the other woman, but Jen already knows her face always gives her away and she has nervous hands. Something occurs to Judy. 

“I was purposely hiding my nerves when I mentioned the ketamine.”

Jen laughs as they cross the street. “Didn’t wanna make me angry?”

“I was trying to break the tension,” Judy replies, trying not to smile. 

“Your voice gave you away with the ketamine. When you mentioned the other stuff the tone of your voice didn’t waver.” Jen takes off her sunglasses as they enter the coffee shop and bends slightly toward Judy to add, “Not even with the pot.”

Judy is alarmed and a little aroused. “It’s legal!”

Jen makes a face and doesn’t wait for Judy before walking towards the counter to place her order. 

Judy doesn’t _not_ look at Jen’s ass before joining her because _damn._

—

Jen orders “the strongest coffee you have” and lets the barista figure out the rest. Judy orders chamomile tea and an oatmeal cookie. Judy suggests sitting outside and Jen agrees despite making a face when it was mentioned. 

Jen’s coffee is so strong Judy thinks the aroma alone is giving her the jitters. “How do you ever sleep drinking coffee that strong?”

“I haven’t been able to sleep much since -” Jen clears her throat. ”I don’t sleep.”

Judy takes a breath or two before responding. Even after all the work she has done on herself, she'll occasionally have a difficult time talking with people. That includes her anxious, rushed speech, and near-constant apologizing. When she does those things she isn’t really listening well, just waiting to talk, and Judy tries to be more mindful in her interactions with others these days. 

“That must be hard,” she replies, and sips her tea. 

Jen sighs. “I can’t really afford to be tired on the job. And then when I try to sleep I’m too wired.”

“I have trouble sleeping sometimes,” Judy shares.

Jen nods though offers no reply. 

Judy takes another sip of her tea and breaks off a piece of her cookie. She was hoping once she got Jen talking everything would start coming out. Jen seems like she holds onto everything but anger now that Judy thinks about it.

“Have you tried anything?” Judy asks. “To help?”

“Wine,” she responds. “Usually red. Sometimes whiskey.’

“Oh?” Judy can’t read Jen’s expression, but she does notice the other woman swallow. She wonders if Jen is waiting to be judged so she can yell at Judy the way she yelled at the chief. Judy tries not to judge people. It’s not really her place. “Does it work?”

Jen shrugs. “I mean, it helps me get to sleep. I still wake up at some point and can't get back to sleep.”

“I meditate sometimes,” Judy offers. 

“I’m not surprised,” Jen jokes. “I’m not the kind of person that can sit on a cushion and like think mindfully about a grape.”

Judy considers her wording as she senses Jen isn’t open to other ideas right now since she’s obviously still overwhelmed with her grief. “I wasn’t that kind of person either until I was.”

“Just like that?” Jen asks, sipping her coffee. “Most people don’t change unless something forces them.”

Her first impulse is to say it wasn’t as bad as what happened to Jen, but trauma from person to person isn’t comparable. She tries to play it off. “Life stuff, you know.”

“Hmm.” She leans back in her chair as she scrutinizes Judy. “I can tell when people aren't telling the truth, but I can also tell when they’re in that gray area between a truth and a lie.”

“Really?” Judy asks.

“That’s it.” Jen straightens up in her seat. “That’s your tell. That little, like, _innocent_ lilt ...”

“I wasn’t lying,” Judy claims and tries very hard to ignore the heat in her cheeks from Jen calling her innocent. “I swear -”

Jen waves a hand at her like none of this matters. “I’m just fucking with you.”

Judy sighs and unclenches her hands in her lap. 

"But you were kind of lying," Jen states.

"it doesn't matter." Judy sips her tea and wonders about the last time she felt so exposed. She exhales and focuses on Jen's face. "It wasn't a big deal."

“Don’t minimize your shit,” Jen tells her as she stares her dead in the eye. “Don’t do yourself dirty.”

Judy was expecting anger from the detective, but she wasn’t expecting her to be such a quick judge of character. Judy has done a lot of work on herself, but she’s still sensitive to people around her, especially when they have a more dominant personality. She squirms in her seat, accepting that she feels vulnerable, but that Jen is not her mother or Steve. 

“I don’t like to bother people,” Judy admits. 

Jen laughs. “If you bothered me, I would’ve left your ass back at the precinct.”

“You know,” Judy tilts her head and she tries to be so gentle here. “Maybe you could follow your own advice about minimizing?”

“Really?” Jen snaps. 

She watches as Jen seems like she’s about to get pissed, but at the last second she deflates like someone let the air out of a balloon. Judy has an apology on the tip of her tongue and feels it start to slip. “I’m -”

“I’m so fucking tired of being angry,” Jen admits, cutting her off. 

Judy sighs in relief, though she's not sure for who. “Most anger is usually a substitute for an emotion that someone won’t let themselves to feel.”

“Right,” Jen says. “Here all this time I thought Freud was a bearded German guy.”

Judy winces. “Actually, he was Austrian, but good on you for knowing -”

“Freud is a fucking household name, Judy,” Jen reminds her. 

Judy thinks this is a good place to stop. She likes talking with Jen, but it’s draining in a way she’ll have to dwell on when she has time for her journal. She has to admit that there’s something about Jen’s personality that has emboldened her just enough to keep this going.

“So … ” Judy pulls her bag onto her lap and digs around for a second, aha-ing when she finds a pen. “You’re not sleeping. I’m not sleeping.” She pauses for a moment as she writes her name and number on a napkin and offers it to the blonde. “Maybe we could not sleep together?”

Jen tilts her head and seems ever-so-slightly entertained as she considers the napkin slotted between two of Judy’s heavily-ringed fingers. 

“I work about three blocks from the precinct,” Judy discloses, trying not to be super obvious about what she wants. She _wants_ to see Jen again, but knows if she doesn’t she’ll be okay. She wiggles the napkin at the detective and adds, “If you’d like a repeat coffee experience.”

“Yeah?” Jen slides the napkin from between Judy’s fingers, folds it in neat quarters, and slips into her back pocket. “Maybe.”

\--

She finds Abe sitting outside with a sudoku book. Judy never gets tired of the way his face lights up when he sees her. She envelopes him in a hug as soon as she gets close enough to him.

She presses her hand against his cheek. “How are you?”

“Good, but this book is making me sudo-cuckoo,” he tells her. “Why’d you give me this thing?”

“It’s supposed to keep you sharp,” July replies. 

“Ahh!” He waves his hands at her as if to say he’s done with it. “I’m the sharpest fella in here.”

“Obviously,” Judy agrees. 

“You don’t usually visit on Fridays,” he comments. 

She considers how to explain the last few hours to him. She doesn’t see him as much as when she still worked at Beach Haven Assisted Living, but she visits as often as she can. “I had a work thing and then I had coffee nearby with a friend.” 

“You finally getting yourself back out there?” he asks. 

She carefully steps around her outing with Jen. “I told you I’m dating myself for now,” she reminds him. 

“Well, then you’re both very lucky,” he tells Judy.

“Maybe,” she admits, thinking.

“What’s a matter?” he asks.

“I did something today and I’m not sure if it was a good idea,” she says. 

He puts his hand on Judy’s forearm and gives it a brief pat. “You think too much.”

She sighs. “I just want to keep making better choices,” she responds. “I’m not sure if this was a good one or not.”

“You’re not the worst thing you’ve ever done. Or the worst thing that’s ever happened to you,” he says, gently. “Are you a good person?”

She’s taken aback that he would ask since he’s always telling her she’s good. “I guess? Most of the time.”

“Tell me like you believe it.”

She starts to tear up. “I’m good.”

He cups his hand around his ear. “What’s good?”

She laughs and clears her throat. “I’m a good person.”

He gives her a big smile. “Fake it till you make it, sweetheart.”

“But -”

“Judy,” he interrupts. “You know in your heart that you’re good. So follow your heart and all the other stuff will fall into place.”

“How can you be sure?” she asks. 

“Take my word for it. Some things can’t be explained,” he responds. 

She tilts her head and shakes her bangs out of her eyes. “One thing can be explained.”

“What’s that, honey?”

She holds up the sudoku book and they both laugh. 

\--

When she gets home from seeing Abe, she heads to her bedroom and sits down on the edge of her bed. She unzips her boots one by one and watches them fold in half and sort of crumple onto the floor. Jen had been wearing black boots with a chunky heel and a gold zipper and ran up from her arch. She falls back on her bed and thinks about Jen sitting across from her, taut as a bowstring, picking apart Judy so she didn’t have to talk about herself. Jen had a faded tattoo on the inside of her left wrist and when Judy saw it she wanted to put her mouth on it. 

Judy sits up suddenly and realizes it’s been almost an hour since she got home and all she’s done is take off her boots and think about Jen. She shakes her head and mumbles, “Freaking horny Pisces.”

The next morning she makes an appointment with her therapist. 


End file.
